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May 16, 2004

Revolutionary Ideas

As promised earlier, I wanted to explore the following eye-catching paragraph from Maggie Gallagher's latest op-ed, "Traditional Marriage Will Always Prevail". She writes:

Advocates of same-sex marriage try to make it sound as bourgeois as possible, but gay marriage is really the triumph of the most radical ideas of the sexual revolution: that gender doesn't matter, children are secondary, expressing your authentic sexual self is more important than, well, practically anything else.

I want to examine the specific charges one by one, but first I want to note how surprised I was that somebody would consider gay marriage a triumph of the sexual revolution. When I think sexual revolution I think sex outside of marriage, casual sex with multiple partners, in short sex without responsibility. Gay marriage seems to me to be the opposite of that. It is about getting married, being monogamous, and putting sex within a larger framework of obligations and responsibility. I'm amazed that someone would call people seeking to marry sexual revolutionaries. I know Gallagher has written that married people have more frequent and more satisfying sex than unmarried people, but I don't believe that is why these couples are seeking marriage. I think it's more about protecting their families and signalling their commitment to one another and the public, than it is about sexual liberation.

Those, however, are just my views when I hear the words "sexual revolution". Gallagher does give us the specific ideas she had in mind. Ideas which she associates with the sexual revolution. Let us examine them one by one.

Gender doesn't matter. I never thought to associate this idea with the sexual revolution. Be that as it may, let us ask if gay marriage does represent a triumph of this idea. If gender didn't matter, there wouldn't really be such a thing as "gay". People would think nothing of saying gays should just marry people of the opposite sex. What difference does it make, if gender doesn't matter? On the contrary I would say that to most gays and lesbians, gender matters a great deal. But gay marriage does champion the idea that the individual is more important than the gender. Those seeking marriage licenses are not looking to marry some guy or some girl. They want to marry the particular individual with whom they fell in love and with whom they want to live their lives. Gender is part of who that loved one is, but that person is more than just his or her gender. Relatedly, the idea of gay marriage is not that gender doesn't matter, but rather that the goverment should not base one's rights on one's gender. I would be appalled at a law which forbade interfaith marriages. That does not mean I don't think faith matters. I think it matters a great deal, especially in marriage. I just think it should be up to the individual, and not the government, to make that decision.

Children are secondary. This is an issue I've discussed quite frequently on these pages so I will be brief here. Denying same-sex couples and their families from marriage hurts children. Regardless of how one feels about same-sex parenting, withholding marriage from a child's parents is not going to change who the parents are. It only denies the child the protections that marriage could offer his or her family.

Expressing your authentic sexual self is more important than, well, practically anything else. I think Gallagher is referring here to coming out. I have gotten the impression that Gallagher believes the proper course for gays and lesbians is to remain closeted and to marry someone of the opposite sex. I do not believe this course is good for the health of the closeted individual or his or her spouse. We happen to disagree on this subject. But it is important to note that it is not a matter of considering "coming out" more important than everything else, it is seeing coming out as not conflicting with other values and on the contrary furthering some other values. It is simply a matter of disagreement about the effects of "coming out", not its worth. And legalizing gay marriage doesn't even take sides on that issue as much it is says it is for the individual to make that decision. Nobody is forced to come out by gay marriage, but nobody is forced to be closeted either.

So I do not see gay marriage as a triumph for the ideas of the sexual revolution, or even for the ideas Gallagher associates with the sexual revolution. Rather I see it as a triumph for the ideas of the American Revolution: that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

09:40 PM in Arguments Against SSM | Permalink